The past 20 weeks of pregnancy has been 20 weeks of 31 years of unpacking, learning and unlearning so many lessons, but must importantly TRUST has been the biggest theme.
I knew that I always wanted to be a parent. From when I was young, even in high school I knew that one of the main reasons I was placed on this earth was to be a parent. I was raised by both my Mother and Father, but it was my stay at home, hard working, bad ass mother who set the tone for me in the incredible duty of mother/parenthood.
We were on our honeymoon in Maine (during a pandemic....that's a whole other blog post) when we found out we were pregnant. We tried a couple days before our wedding and thought "if we get pregnant great, and if not then it's not meant to be right now." WELP it was very much M2B as they say. I took a test after a walk along the beach and saw that second line appear. My heart dropped, I put down my glass of wine (hah), and ran outside to tell my new husband WE WERE PREGNANT.
After jumping up and down, and the purest sense of joy I have ever felt, then it hit.....THE FEAR.
Not the fear of being pregnant, giving birth, or even being a parent. The fear of the "what if's"
What if I have a miscarriage? What if something is wrong? What if? What if? What if?
Talk about feeling all of the things at once!
So there I was literally days pregnant and scared to even move! I had to keep on saying to myself, and with the help of my bestie and doula partner, I TRUST MY BODY I TRUST MY BABY.
Okay, so what if it didn't or doesn't work out? I have to TRUST that my baby was not strong enough to live outside my womb, or I have to TRUST that my body is doing what is right for me and my baby. You hear so many stories and so many people's experiences that the idea of trust is as easy as winning the lottery. Why trust? Well from someone who has trust issues, trust is like faith (big word I know). If we don't have faith or trust or belief in something then what's the point?
Many, many weeks, and many therapy sessions and breakdowns later I am learning to trust a little more every day. I trust my body and I trust my baby. My body and my baby are working together and are way smarter than I give them credit for. Our brains are really powerful, but our bodies are JUST as powerful if not more. Our mind, thoughts and our ego can get in our way a lot. But the more I just sit, breathe and TRUST (there's that word again) the process, the more magic I see unfolding.
In a culture that NEEDS EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. We need to know everything in the moment, have it all at our fingertips...pregnancy and childbirth (along with death) are the real mysteries left in this life. The only way to get through this is to trust this whole process.
So here I am, taking a deep breath, taking a swig of water and trusting the process, trusting my body,
and trusting my baby. Ooooop! There's a little kick from her ;) She's saying "you got this ma"